Friday, August 3, 2012

Diana's Household Diaries "The Adult Child "

I know I said I would post about floor cleaning this week and my OCD issues that go along with that but things change and they can change quickly.

Being a housewife or Household Engineer as I like to refer to the insurmountable tasks that go along with this Godly union, isn't all about cleaning.

Our jobs consist of many. One of which if we are fortunate enough to be blessed, is that of mother. I'd like to touch on that just a bit this week. No photos today just a cup of coffee and some thoughts.

Becoming a parent is and was the most exciting moments in my life. Each time being different of coarse, some easier then others. I'm not going to talk about the care and feeding of these wonderful babe's that are now adults. 

When I was much younger, before having children of my own, I remember people saying that you never stop worrying about your children even when they are long gone from the household. 
This couldn't be more true.

We nurture, love and teach our children the best that we can until that day comes. You know the day I am speaking off. The day they leave the nest.
I have one adult child that has been out of the house for fifteen years now. Another that's been gone for twelve years.
And yet another that is already making her plans for that day. Which probably isn't that far off.
I think that day will be the hardest for me. I will be alone.

My husband is only home on the weekends so I will be alone. But that's not what this is about. I do enjoy my own company, and I am sure that I can find things to fill my time with.

Today I am talking about the adult child that has run into hard times, road blocks, or deep pain.
Next to the teenage years, I find this to be the most difficult to deal with. What do we do?
We talk to them of coarse and hope that they are forthcoming with their feelings and emotions but this may not always be the case.

Matthew 6: 25-34 tells us we are not to worry. And while I read this over and over, and have actually come very close to mastering this, still I cannot help but worry about my children and the problems that they face.

When it comes to our children, worry is common place for many of us. Yet there does come a time when we must realize that we have done our jobs, hopefully, the best that we possibly could have through he years. And I'm sure that I'm not just speaking for myself when I say, I could have done better. But I hate "What if's" or "If only's".
I know I wasn't a perfect parent but I also know that I did the best that I could through each stage of my life. 

If I were physically capable of starting the whole process over now at 54 instead of then at 20, I'm sure I could have done a better job but that wasn't God's plan for me so I have to be satisfied with the knowledge that I have done the very best that I could have over the years.

So what does a parent do when an adult child is going through a painful situation or difficult choice? I find that it can be very difficult not meddling or giving my opinions freely. But I don't. 
Only when asked. I never try to tell them what they should do. They are adults and must decide what to do for themselves. I help if I can. But it's difficult when we can't.
I have offered my past experiences to them. I have told them that I have felt that pain. I have told them that this too will change and so will they.
Most importantly I have stressed to them that living life one day at a time, if  mastered, makes things much easier.

And I have told them to petition the Lord in prayer. After all, when it comes right down to it, God is in charge and as hard as it may be to see, ultimately, he won't let them down. It's the not knowing part that's hard to deal with. And the waiting. But sometimes it's just best to stop, step back and wait rather then make hasty decisions.
I firmly believe that the answers to all of our problems are in God's hands and will be revealed to us eventually.

Worry doesn't help. It does nothing but it can make you sick. I pray for my children everyday.

I wouldn't be truthful if I didn't say that there are days when I just want to stay under the covers all day. But for me I have found the best "Get things out of my head therapy" is to clean.

I've done a lot of that this week. And I have more planned for today. It helps me. I don't think my children have inherited this from me. Well maybe my son. 

So things around the "Household" haven't been going very well although things can always be worse. This post is a "venting" one for me.

I will sum up by saying that I guess all that we can really do for our adult children when they are going through hard times is to be there for them when they need us. And pray. Pray a lot.

I'm interested in knowing how you deal with adult children in times of trouble. 


Need A Latte Mom said...

So much easier when they are babies.

Gail said...

HI DI - oh my, there is no exact answer to this. I struggle with what, and how much to involve when my kids are facing struggles. For me, I am more often than not happy that they even let me know and seek my counsel - I have stopped rescueing for the most part - done my share of that - many times and it gets to the point where the rescue doesn't help it just masks the problem they need to resolve. SO every time I am faced with a situation in their lives I ponder wether my helping is really helping or just doing for them what they need to start doing for themselves. It is a delicate and often impossible balance to maintain. Follow your heart.
Love Gail

Rebecca said...

My grandmother used to tell me, "When they're little, they tug at your apron strings; when they're older, they tug at your heart strings."

Sounds like you've had a few heart strings tugged on :) Me, too. I wish I could say I've never offered my advice. It's SO hard!

Your "tips" are good & wise, Di. AND you've got a clean house, too! What's NOT to like about that????

Annmarie Pipa said...

seems we never stop worrying or praying or parenting..I
I hear not underestimate the power of a mothers prayer!! hang in there.

A Lady's Life said...

My oldest fixed it so I don't have to worry because he has an older wife who took over and they live in Australia. lol
I don't know anything what goes on there and if he complains I direct him to his wife who says she is smart and has all the
The younger one is out there with friends colleging it. You read the awful paper headlines = and keep flipping out because you know he is out there and God knows what can happen at any time.People are crazy.The other day 2 x 23 year olds were run over by a drunk woman driver. She walked away and was arrested because a passerby followed her with a cell phone.I remember my boys were walking and a car almost hit them as well. My little one ran into someones yard and the big one followed him to keep him safe while his friend stood by a fire hydrant and the car missed him by inches.
So of course I K update him on the news lol and tell him to be careful.
I tell him if something happens to him I'll be all alone so he needs to make sure he is careful.
He said ok Don't worry.I guess kids need to think we need them.
It's nice to be needed instead of to need.
I guess it's different for every family but today its hard for most people.

Ginnie said...

You've hit on a very difficult issue, Di. It's SO VERY HARD to sit back and not worry or try to fix a bad situation when it involves our adult children. The best answer I ever heard was "We need to allow them the dignity to fail and to find their own way".
(Sometimes I wonder how I ever got to the age I am today !! I guess they will do the same.)

Barb said...

You're doing all the right things, Di. I try never to offer unsolicited advise. I just try to be a good listener. I only wish I was like you and found some solice in cleaning! I'm thinking of you here in CO.

Dee said...

I pray...bite my tongue...pray some more...I always let them dump feelings while biting my tongue...they do not want advice really...I pray some more...and like you in between I clean and doodle.:) Your doing a good job Diana...a mothers heart is forever tender.

Jackie said...

I do just what you do my sweet friend. I worry...and I pray.
God tells us now to worry, but I am a mere human, and I still (after all these years) worry about my grown children. I think that is the "Mother" and/or "Father" in one. It must be.
I can't imagine "not" worrying.
I wish I had the best words and phrases for you here, Di. If it helps to know that we all face these times and we all (Mothers, especially) go through these times, then I am here to say that I have an ear and a shoulder...and we both have our Savior. Without our Lord and the prayers and help of our friends, we would certainly be in a very dark place. Instead, we walk in and out of the shadows...but I am so thankful that we can walk through them...together.
Hugs and love to you, Di.

Jackie said...

Typo on my part on my previous comment, Di.
(I could blame the keyboard, but alas...tis' the keyboardist. :)) )
It should have said, "God tells us not to worry."

Mamabug said...

Prayer is the answer; it's gotten me through a mulitude of heartaches with an adult child. You're so right we can't tell them what to do. But we can pray! have a great weekend.

Linda said...

It's difficult when your adult children struggle. As a parent, we try to be supportive and understanding. I do know the heartache of having adult children and wanting something totally different for them. Just be yourself and know a Mother's love is always there. I am your newest follower. Your background picture is lovely.

Lynilu said...

My parents did a good job of staying out of my business unless invited, and I try to do the same. That being said, remember that the operative word in that is "try." I don't always succeed because their pain is my own.

I think the best we can do is constantly remind them we love them, maybe ask what we can do to help, and again say we love them. I don't know about your kids, but when mine really do need help, they will ask. So far it has worked for us.

Prayers for you and the kids. :)

naida said...

Hi Diana, I can relate to being a 'Household Engineer' as well.
You are so right about praying.
It sounds like you are a great mom to your kids, when they were young and now that they are adults as well.
Mine aren't adults yet, but with a 12 year old and a 16 year old, my gray hairs are surely
I can imagine it's hard not to meddle. You just have to have faith that you raised them right and they will ultimately make the choices that are best for them. I'm a firm beleiver that everything that happens is for a reason and also that we learn from our mistakes.

Sandi said...

Hi Di,
I wish I was more OCD about my floors! I don't know how it happens, but I am forever running right up to the end of my day, fall into bed exhausted, and promise myself I'll get those floors done first thing the next morning. But, the next morning I'm off doing whatever seems so important at the time . . . and the floors get put off until I simply can't stand it, or I know someone is coming over!

As for parenting those adult children, my only answer is prayer, too. Pray, listen, keep my mouth shut, pray some more, listen when they open up . . . pray again!

Love and hugs, Sandi

Deb said...

I just found this post doing a google search and it's nice to know I'm not the only parent of grown children that worries about them constantly. I worry about their marriages and their finances and their everything it seems. I don't tell them what to do unless they ask, but that is so difficult. It's like suffering in silence as you perceive trouble ahead over a current situation. I've got to let go of this worry and give it to God. I'm a faithful Christian and my children and I attend church together and are very family oriented, but I must get on with it and let go and let God. It's work.