Tuesday, March 9, 2010

" Poor, Poor pitiful Me "

I despise feeling sorry for myself. Really, truly, honestly despise feeling sorry for myself. I have always been one to believe that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. Including make the best out of any situation.

I am, by nature, an optimist. I don't care for pessimistic personalities. Bad mojo. I have always felt that if given a bad situation,it is for a reason. God has put us there to work it out one way or another. So keeping this in mind, I have always looked for the light, taken the challenge, gone the extra mile. Maybe not with a smile every time but always with the thought in the back of my mind that in one way or another, I would succeed. Perhaps with just a wing and a prayer but I would succeed.

Tonight I have felt sorry for myself and it is also making me angry with myself. Even though I know better. Even though this happened for a reason. Still I can't help but feeling sorry for myself.

Earlier this evening I got up to walk Ruby. I could have gotten Katie to do it as it was her turn anyway. But she has been so tired after school and it was nice outside so I wanted to do it myself. When I got up and took a few steps my foot locked up on me. This is not unusual for me as I have sprained it a few times over the years. 

When I was a young girl, I ice skated a lot and sprained it twice. And another two times over the past twenty years. I also know that there is arthritis in this foot so occasionally it locks up. When it does I simply move it around a bit and within a step or two it frees up and I can walk again. 

This time it didn't work. I kept walking on it while it hurt a bit and by the time I got to the back door I was in a lot of pain. So what did this idiot do? No I didn't call for Katie, that would have been the smart thing to do. And while I don't think of myself as stupid I do know that I am very stubborn. I put Ruby's leash on and took her out anyway. Yeah it was a dumb and stubborn thing to do. 

By the time I reached the grass I could barely walk and my ankle felt as though it was swelling inside. I managed to baby step in severe pain back to the house, Ruby did wee wee by the way! I had to sit on the back stairs and yell for Katie. That was it, I couldn't put another step on that foot. And of coarse it was the foot on my good leg so my bad knee had trouble holding all of my weight on it's own.

I'll spare you all of the in between moaning and tears part. By this time I am grateful that Katie has her permit as it was my right ankle, the one that I use to drive. So my Katie girl took her mom to the E.R. After about two hours and an x ray, it was determined that it at least wasn't broke or fractured. The doctor said that between the possible sprain or tendenitous and the severe arthritis in my foot ( I had no idea that it was severe ) that the pain could be pretty bad. No !#@!. By this time it was very swollen and after a shot of tramodol ( which did nothing ) and two Vicodins, they put an air cast on it and gave me crutches. I've never used crutches. I am not in a good mood but I am in a lot of pain. 

Katie drove us to Walgreens and went through her first tight drive through. She is amazing by the way. Then she took us home and helped me in the house. This was not easy. I couldn't do the stairs. I had to sit down. That's when I started to cry. Now I am really feeling sorry for myself which is making me even angrier at myself. 

So now here I sit. It still hurts like hell. I have iced it. I will have to sleep downstairs. I am grateful that we have an extra bedroom down here even though I don't know if I can sleep through this pain. I may just stay in my recliner for the night. 

I am still wallowing. If this doesn't heal quickly, Katie will have to do so much around here. This is where my OCD will kick in big time. Things won't get done and they won't get done the way I want. Stress, stress, stressed is how I am feeling. 

Now I have some good news and some bad news. I went to have my hearing checked this morning because I have had ringing in my left ear since January. The audiologist told me that my hearing was off the chart good! He even showed me where the average person ranks on the chart. I was quite a bit above that! Did you hear me? Then I went over to the ENT doctor who read the results. He asked me if I was under a lot of stress. I told him, not really but I am very stressed filled. Then of coarse he told me to try and relax more. O.K. he is not the first doctor to tell me this.

One of the reasons for me wanting to ride the bike was so that I could relax and enjoy doing something that I've been wanting to do for a long time. 

Now I am just feeling disgusted. Stupid. And sorry for myself. 

I know that I will get over it. And I know that I will probably feel better when the pain lets up a bit. But for now I just want to cry. 


Bernie said...

Oh Di so sorry about your foot, and go ahead have a pity party, it's okay. If I had time right now I would be having one as well. We don't have to be strong all the time sweetie.
So glad Katie was able to drive you and will help you around the house, I hope your foot gets better real soon. Luv you..:-) Hugs

Wanda said...

Di, you can gripe and feel sorry for yourself all you want. I so know what you are feeling, the immobility affects 'every' aspect of your life and the crutches are torture themselves. Being in a cast up above my knee once, when I broke my ankle, left me spending 3 months in a wheelchair and sleeping downstairs, life interrupted is what it is.

BUT! Being waited on hand and foot wasn't all that bad! So try to feel the love of those around you more than the pain. You'll be eyeing that bike, before you know it!

Jules said...

Don't feel so bad. We all go through times like those. I just try to remember that someone else always has something worse going on in their life, and I'll keep MY problems instead of theirs...

Gail said...

Hi there

Oh my, you poor thing. ANd I know what a "do-it-myself" gal you are so this is really hard for you and of course the pain is awful. TRy and 'receive' from others for a while knowing that soon you will be doing for them just like always.

Feel better.

Love and prayers

Rebecca said...

Would it help if I feel sorry for you and cry for you? Because I DO!

I'm a wimp when it comes to pain. And I never have been able to handle crutches.

I hope to hear that you got enough relief from pain to sleep at least a LITTLE bit last night.

Why the swelling, do you think?

Lynilu said...

As you said, you are a normally optimistic person, but you are also human. We all have times when we feel unnecessarily whiny, and I think you are cleared for a day (or a few) of sniveling! Snive away!! :)

Take it easy, stay off your feet as much as possible, and it will heal more quickly.

Lena said...

Oh, Di!!! I'm so sorry about your foot!! I have this theory that our bodies force us to take rests from time to time... And it's ok to just sit and cry... I recently found this quote...

“Perhaps our eyes need to be washed by our tears once in a while, so that we can see Life with a clearer view again.” Alex Tan

Lots of love to you... Get better soon...

Bill ~ {The Old Fart} said...

Hope you are able to get around soon without the crutches and the pain. Sending happy thoughts and prayers for you .

Linda Higgins said...

Di....drugs....drugs....and more drugs...that's what I say LOL JK ya know. And for the record...go a head and just swear it off, sometime it helps to just say all the bad words you never say....LOL of course muffled in a pillow then cry and feel sorry for yourself and let everyone know about it...pretty soon everyone will be so worried about you and in the mean time .... you are over it and feeling GREAT! everyone else will be STRESSED over you....see how it all works itself out???? LOl love ya Di, and really...hope you are up to your ole self soon, cleaning and OCDing about "stuff" LOL

anupama said...

Dear Di,
Good Morning!
This too will pass;the pain and self pity.I can relate so well.Whatever has to happen will happen.We don't have any control over it.
Di,we have to slow down and enjoy the things that really matter.Now you can read alt.Give complete rest to the leg.Keep your legs in a raised position.You will be fit as a fiddle as soon.
Take time to be grateful to God!Think of all the blessings you are gifted with!Cheer up,dear!You have your darling daughter to take care of!Think of the lonely souls who suffer!
Wishing you a wonderful and bright morning,
Get well soon,
Love,Hugs and Prayers,

All Dolled Up Doll Clothes said...

Oh my! Well, all I have to say is you DESERVE to feel sorry for yourself. Had you not gone outside with the dog, you still would have had to go sit down and your foot would still be in the same situation so you didn't do anything to cause more injury to it. At least Katie was there to help out and I'm betting she didn't mind "driving" you to the hospital either. I hope you begin to feel better very soon.
Hugs to you

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, I'm so sorry, Di...but don't worry about having a good cry...we love you, and will offer you a shoulder and a tissue...and you'll probably feel better for having told us all about it!!! It has been a rough few months...it is understandable if you are feeling it a bit!!! It would be understandable if you were feeling it a lot!!!! Just want you to know that I pray for you everyday!!! And that I send you much love!!!! And sympathy!!! Hang in there, Di...it has just GOT to get better!!! Love you, Janine XO

Linda Higgins said...

Di, I feel really bad that I gave you such...well....strange advice and everyone else gave you such ... well ... encouraging advice. What can I say.....I'm sorry.... I still think you should swear. LOL love you tons....sweet sweet sweet friend! and I do hope you are feeling better. Did I make you smile :-) yeah there ya go....cheese!

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Garnetrose said...

You are still grieving from the death of your mother. You are entitled to have a pity party. I am having the same type of foot problems you are having. MY achilles tendon has tears in it due to diabetes and arthritis so I know how you feel, girl. I really do.
Crutches are an annoyance. I know that but it could be so much worse.

But if you feel like crying, have a good long cry. No one would blame you. Take care and get well, my friend.

BK said...

Cry if you have to and you'll feel better after you release all that emotions bottling up inside you. Sometimes we are greatly challenge and it may all seem impossible to overcome. "The night is the darkest before dawn ... soon the day will break." Wishing goodness in all areas of your life.

Eileen said...

Well, you should be feeling sorry for yourself! This is the icing on the cake???? This sour tasting icing on top of a dilapidated, dry, cardboard-tasting cake???
I'd be shaking my fist at the heavens, after all you've been through, and now this to top it off!!

My advice ~ feel sorry for yourself, wallow in it, until there's just no more self-pity left. And then you'll do what you always do, you'll pick yourself up by your bootstraps and get on with the business of life!

I don't know if you got my email, I answered your email but days late because we had no internet service. We finally switched companies, and this morning I tried emailing everyone to give my new email address and all the mail came back as 'undeliverable'. Oh well. Hopefully Ray can figure it out for me. My silly computer problems are nothing compared to what I've been reading around blogger town.

And now I feel guilty for complaining about my doing something to my ankle on the trampoline. It's nothing and I am fine and I can hear my mother's voice saying, "Quit yer bellyaching!" And that's just what I'm going to do!

Feel better, Di.
Love to you,

Rebecca said...

What have you found out re. ankle? Any improvement? (Please, God!)

Barb said...

Keep the bike dream on the back burner, Di. I think a good cry may be just what you need. I'm thinking of you!

Tranquility Speaks said...

Hey Diana, I am saddened to know what's happening to you these days. I wish someone had a cure for arthritis. I just feel so helpless to see you and Bernie, go through pain. And Diana, it is alright to cry and feel sorry for yourself. This is not to be confused for helplessness. You can still help yourself and you are still as strong. Just don't be so harsh on yourself. You are an amazing human being by the way :)

I hope that by the time you are reading this, you are much better already and riding the bike :)

need_a_latte_mom said...

Everyone deserves a good pity party once in a while! I really hope your ankle feels better soon. Just hate when stuff like that happens, just don't have time for it do we.