I despise feeling sorry for myself. Really, truly, honestly despise feeling sorry for myself. I have always been one to believe that I can do anything if I put my mind to it. Including make the best out of any situation.
I am, by nature, an optimist. I don't care for pessimistic personalities. Bad mojo. I have always felt that if given a bad situation,it is for a reason. God has put us there to work it out one way or another. So keeping this in mind, I have always looked for the light, taken the challenge, gone the extra mile. Maybe not with a smile every time but always with the thought in the back of my mind that in one way or another, I would succeed. Perhaps with just a wing and a prayer but I would succeed.
Tonight I have felt sorry for myself and it is also making me angry with myself. Even though I know better. Even though this happened for a reason. Still I can't help but feeling sorry for myself.
Earlier this evening I got up to walk Ruby. I could have gotten Katie to do it as it was her turn anyway. But she has been so tired after school and it was nice outside so I wanted to do it myself. When I got up and took a few steps my foot locked up on me. This is not unusual for me as I have sprained it a few times over the years.
When I was a young girl, I ice skated a lot and sprained it twice. And another two times over the past twenty years. I also know that there is arthritis in this foot so occasionally it locks up. When it does I simply move it around a bit and within a step or two it frees up and I can walk again.
This time it didn't work. I kept walking on it while it hurt a bit and by the time I got to the back door I was in a lot of pain. So what did this idiot do? No I didn't call for Katie, that would have been the smart thing to do. And while I don't think of myself as stupid I do know that I am very stubborn. I put Ruby's leash on and took her out anyway. Yeah it was a dumb and stubborn thing to do.
By the time I reached the grass I could barely walk and my ankle felt as though it was swelling inside. I managed to baby step in severe pain back to the house, Ruby did wee wee by the way! I had to sit on the back stairs and yell for Katie. That was it, I couldn't put another step on that foot. And of coarse it was the foot on my good leg so my bad knee had trouble holding all of my weight on it's own.
I'll spare you all of the in between moaning and tears part. By this time I am grateful that Katie has her permit as it was my right ankle, the one that I use to drive. So my Katie girl took her mom to the E.R. After about two hours and an x ray, it was determined that it at least wasn't broke or fractured. The doctor said that between the possible sprain or tendenitous and the severe arthritis in my foot ( I had no idea that it was severe ) that the pain could be pretty bad. No !#@!. By this time it was very swollen and after a shot of tramodol ( which did nothing ) and two Vicodins, they put an air cast on it and gave me crutches. I've never used crutches. I am not in a good mood but I am in a lot of pain.
Katie drove us to Walgreens and went through her first tight drive through. She is amazing by the way. Then she took us home and helped me in the house. This was not easy. I couldn't do the stairs. I had to sit down. That's when I started to cry. Now I am really feeling sorry for myself which is making me even angrier at myself.
So now here I sit. It still hurts like hell. I have iced it. I will have to sleep downstairs. I am grateful that we have an extra bedroom down here even though I don't know if I can sleep through this pain. I may just stay in my recliner for the night.
I am still wallowing. If this doesn't heal quickly, Katie will have to do so much around here. This is where my OCD will kick in big time. Things won't get done and they won't get done the way I want. Stress, stress, stressed is how I am feeling.
Now I have some good news and some bad news. I went to have my hearing checked this morning because I have had ringing in my left ear since January. The audiologist told me that my hearing was off the chart good! He even showed me where the average person ranks on the chart. I was quite a bit above that! Did you hear me? Then I went over to the ENT doctor who read the results. He asked me if I was under a lot of stress. I told him, not really but I am very stressed filled. Then of coarse he told me to try and relax more. O.K. he is not the first doctor to tell me this.
One of the reasons for me wanting to ride the bike was so that I could relax and enjoy doing something that I've been wanting to do for a long time.
Now I am just feeling disgusted. Stupid. And sorry for myself.
I know that I will get over it. And I know that I will probably feel better when the pain lets up a bit. But for now I just want to cry.