Tuesday, December 15, 2009

I haven't felt like blogging at all under the circumstances.
But here I was awake at 4:00 a.m. this morning. I have learned not to fight sleeplessness anymore. So I felt like just sharing a few thoughts.

I am going to try not to make this sad as Christmas time is upon us. Despite how emotional I have been feeling, one thought that has continually crossed my mind was how much my mom loved Christmas.

She would understand our families sorrow but I know that she wouldn't want us to be sad at this time but instead rejoice in the glory of Jesus' birth.

You know as well as I do that this will be a huge challenge for our family this year.
Truthfully I am feeling anxious right now just thinking about it. But I do believe that if I try to focus on the true meaning of Christmas this year,
I , we , will make it through.

My family has given me so much comfort these past ten days. My daughter Ginny will be back home in five days. I am counting the days. If you've read this blog before,
you may remember me mentioning that she was born with a gift of lighting up a room.
A special aura surrounds her.
I do believe that that light will come in handy this visit home.

One of the things that I learned about my mother after her passing was that she was far more spiritual then I had already known that she was. I have been reading through her bibles that she wrote all over in and a journal that she kept. A spiritual journal.

I thought that I had a strong faith. But I do believe that she put me to shame in this aspect of life. Mom never tried to force religious beliefs on any of us.
She did give us a foundation but never nagged about going to church. She let me find my own way.

And when we did find our church home a few years ago and Katie was confirmed this past spring, I know the pride and joy that filled her heart.
All three of my children believe in the Lord Our Savior.

The two eldest have not yet found their church home. But I like my mother will not force the issue. After all , it was my mother that taught me at a very young age that God is with you where ever you go.
He is always there.

On that note I am going to end this with a verse and a prayer that I found in one of mom's prayer books. I read it last night before bed. It gave me comfort.

Jesus' Victory over Death

He will swallow up death in victory;
and the Lord God will wipe away tears
from off all faces.
Isaiah 25:8

Father, right now, standing at the grave of one I love, I cannot be consoled by any words. I am capable only of weeping for my loss; all I can feel is despair and anger that my loved one has been ripped from me. I am in shock, stumbling through my paces, letting others guide me during these horrible hours.

And yet this is a battle already won. Jesus through his death and resurrection, has conquered death, " that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have eternal life" (John 3:15). I know this, Father. I believe in this. Be with me today as I grieve. Wipe away my tears and give me faith in these dark hours,
for the victory is already yours.


Eileen said...

That was a perfect Verse and a perfect prayer, Di. And how more perfect that it came to you through your Mom.
I think you will find yourself surrounded by her for some time to come, Di. Take some comfort in her presence.

I think of you often throughout my day and pray that God Holds you close.
Love and Prayers,

Suree said...

Hey .. Enjoy your Christmas

Anvilcloud said...

Aw, you're having a tough time, but you're on the right track of rejoicing in the good.

BTW, you had company at 4AM this morning. Carumba.

Dee said...

It is true...the battle is won! The Lord will often send small comforts in our grief, such as your moms bible and the verse. Your mom will all ways be with you in the little things she left behind..a recipe, a favorite book, a quilt she made. She is in your heart AND you will see her again! Now take care of Diana...rest...let your family and friends and the Lord bring you comfort and peace. Hugs. Dee

Bill ~ {The Old Fart} said...

Di, Sending Prayers your way, God will be there for you and will help you through Christmas. Be Strong my friend,

Jules said...

Stay strong in your faith, He will get you through this.

Joshua 1:9

Teresa said...

Beautiful...(((((HUGS and BLESSINGS))) T

Tranquility Speaks said...

Diana, I can completely understand. We are ALL with you in your darkest hour. We can't bring you back who you lost, but we grieve with you, and whenever you look back, you'd find us behind you.

Don't hold back the tears. Grieving is good. It's natural and normal. Jesus Christ will unite you with your Mom one day. This is a temporary physical separation. Hang in there Diana. Loads of love

Blessings each day said...

Through many heavy losses and sharing in many grief groups I have come to realize that you can allow yourself to grieve the best way for you and never apologize for it. As long as you do not hurt yourself or anyone else, it is the right way for you.

Our loved ones would always wish the best for us and the most happiness on any and every occasion, so these times actually can honor them even when they are so difficult for us.

Please know that you are in my heart and prayers, sweet Di.

blessings and loving hugs,


Barb said...

Dear Diana, I've been thinking of you daily. The loss of my Mother was one of my life's greatest griefs. Like you, I found some items after her death that gave me particular comfort. I believe you will feel her presence now and find comfort in it. May your Faith bring you Peace.

Linda Higgins said...

I never know what to say. My mothers death was such a shock to us all. She missed my father so much and 10 days after 9/11 she gave up. She had lived through WWII in Holland and decided she would not live through another WW. So she went home to our Father. I was not sad. I knew she was happier, so I was happy for her. Does that sound awful? I miss her, I miss talking to her and miss her beautiful sweet voice, singing to our babies and I miss so many things that I just treasure so much, but I am not sad. I pray you will find comfort in her memories. hugs and love...

Jenny said...

Aw, Di. Consider yourself hugged. My prayers continue for you and your family in this sadness.

Bernie said...

Diana, my dear friend...you are going through what many of us have and as Marcy says as long as you don't hurt yourself or anyone else every thing and any thing is your right way to grieve....you are grieving for a great loss in you own life as your mother has finished here and has moved on to another journey where I believe is no pain or suffering....she has laid her burdens of this world down and one day you will be reunited....to reunite with those I love brings me much comfort but first we must live a full and loving life here and I can tell you are doing this...Love you my friend and as usual my heart is full of thoughts and prayers for you and all your family....:-) Hugs

Ginnie said...

I'm so glad to hear that you are allowing yourself to grieve but also that you are strong enough to keep on going and to even read and comment on our blogs.
Take your time but keep on writing if it helps to give you a little relief. All the best, Ginnie

Teacher's Pet said...

Diana...Thank you for sharing about your Mother's Bibles...the notes she wrote in them...the spiritual diary that she kept. How special they were to her....and how precious they are to you.
I'm so thankful for the support of your wonderful family.
Feel the warm hugs that I have for you, my friend.

Dr.John said...

It is hard when a holiday and a death of a significant purpose come close together. It seems to increase the pain.
On the day of my ordination my grandmother died. We can't celebrate the event without remembering her death.
I think you are doing the two things that help to ease the pain. You are remembering the good things and your leaning on God.

Rebecca said...

The verse and prayer you ended with are SO helpful to those of us who grieve now or WILL grieve in the future. I'm glad your daughter who "lights up a room" will be home soon. I can imagine there will be many more tears shed in your household as you comfort each other and share the good memories during this true Holy-Day period. My prayers continue to include you and your precious family.

Wanda said...

Diana, your verse and prayer gave me comfort...just knowing you have such good memories and discovering even new ones about your Mother is reassurance that you will get through this. It's nice for you that Ginny is returning...take care and let your family and memories soothe and comfort you.

Maria said...

Praying here with you tonight, Diana~

What a beautiful testimony your mother's Bibles and her writings are to everyone ~ Her life, her words will continue to speak to you in so many ways.

Family now is so important... it's really what it's all about ~ love and comfort each other~

Being Pramoda... said...

Good and inspiring post as well..thast how the inspiration works diana.. well said.. yaa, be happy and enjoy the true essence of the festival.. happy christmas in advance..:)

Nice to see u back here with such a wonderful post..:)

Lisa said...

God bless you, Di -- this is so touching to read... Your tears and sorrow are so perfectly balanced by your gratitude and memories, your hope and your faith. I pray that God blesses you during this difficult time, but I can see that He already does that. (You and your mom are in our rosaries still)

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Oh, Diana...My prayers will be especially with you as you celebrate Christmas...it will certainly be a bittersweet time!!! My heart is with you continually!!! You have written so beautifully even in the midst of your great grief!!! Your mother would be so proud of you...and probably is...Sending you much love! Janine XO

Bernie said...

Just popping in to say good night. I hope all is going well and that you are taking good care of yourself Di, I worry about that as I know you put everyone else before yourself. Know that I am thinking about you every day and pray you are doing okay...Love you my friend......:-) Hugs

Eileen said...

I wanted to stop just to tell you I'm thinking about you, and praying.
Love you lot, Di.
Your friend,

Teacher's Pet said...

Hello my friend.
A snuggly warm hug to you, Diana.

Jerelene said...

Dear Diana..
Just wanted to let you know I am thinking of you often and wish I were there to give you a hug! You continue to be in my prayers sweet friend :)
Love you Diana!! Jerelene

Barb said...

Hi Diana, These days when I go cross country skiing, I find a peaceful moment and send some thoughts your way. I hope you are together with your Family and finding comfort in their presence.

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Dearest Diana,

I just wanted to stop by to tell you that you are DAILY in my prayers...I think of you often throughout the day...and wish I could send you many, many hugs. I pray that you will experience much peace and comfort this Christmas!! Sending you love, Janine XO

Jenny said...

Thinking of you! Prayers continue to come your way.

Stephanie said...

My heart goes out to you. You know I lost my Mom myself, and am writing a book in which that part of my life feature prominently.
This is indeed a tough time of the year. Such a balance of nostalgia, sorrow and joy.
Please know I hold your family in my heart.

need_a_latte_mom said...

Very nice. Faith will carry you through.

Sniffles and Smiles said...

Stopping by to wish you a Merry Christmas...and to let you know that I continue to pray for comfort for you and your family...especially during this holiday season...

BTW...I love your new header collage and the way it so artistically coordinates with your new gorgeous background!! Fabulous!

Love you! Janine XO

Wanda said...

Diana, just came by to express how much I miss and think of you. Hope you and your family can find comfort in your love for each other and that Christmas will provide a little joy.

Take care Di,

Wanda said...

I failed to mention how great your blog looks Di. Love the layout of the family photos and design!