Sunday, August 23, 2009

" I Don't Know Much Anymore "

My poor dog looks confused ! It is because I am confused. I quit smoking yesterday for the fifth time in my life. They say that lack of oxygen to the brain can cause learning disabilities. Well so can lack of nicotine. Please whatever you do don't say things like " Good for you" or " You'll be so much healthier ". I am not a moron. I realize that it is bad for me and I know it's freaking fantastic that I am quitting yet again. So please no cheerleaders.

I don't want to quit smoking. I like to smoke. I don't care that other people find it disgusting. I know that it is bad for my health. I am aware of how much money it is costing me to smoke. And I just want to say a quick thank you to my internist who realizes that I am not stupid , he refrains from giving me the lecture at every office visit.

My neurologist on the other hand is an idiot. I am 51 years old and have been smoking for 40 years. Yes I know the health hazards and risks so just shut up! If you don't want to smoke well hallelujah for you and all that.

The longest that I managed to stop smoking was two years. The entire two years I wanted to smoke. So I did again. I have quit twice since. Both times after my last two strokes and obviously both times unsuccessfully.

If I sound angry and well, just not my normal self. It's because I am angry right now. I haven't smoked in 23 hours. I am going cold turkey this time and am not quite sure how well it's going to work. I have two boxes of patches in my cabinet but I just don't feel like messing with them right now.

I do know that I have been very, very tired all day. Nicotine is a stimulant. So I have wasted most of my day sleeping. I have also been continually hungry. When I quit for the two years before, I gained forty pounds. So tomorrow I will once again drag my stationary bike up out of the basement and put it back in use. And I will start back at Curves everyday but Thursday. I clean on thursday. That's enough of a workout!

I don't want to quit smoking. I am quitting because I can no longer afford it. The money I save from smoking will pay a little bill of buy a little more food. And I will still be stuck at home. Only difference will be that I won't have my toxic stick of death in my hand to help calm my already exhaustedly overtaxed nervous system. And yes I know it's better for me, but right now, I really don't give a crap!


Tranquility Speaks said...

I won't say anything, but I did read what you had to say :)

Anonymous said... friend...vent on. I'm here, and if I was closer, you could (gently) ram your car into mine (I need a new car). I hug you from here....always.

Diana said...

O.K. All I am doing here is venting as Jackie says. Jackie, you did make me laugh! But I will have to pass because I really like my car, Thank you though that was sweet. Love Di

Wanda said...

Vent, Vent, Vent...Diana, maybe Vent a little in every post and then everyday Vent some more in your comments to us villagers...Be as rude to us as you like...tell us off...we can take it...that would help us avoid the "need" to cheerlead you on...

Maybe it's a good thing your husband is away...should we feel sorry for poor Katie or Ruby? I'm just kidding Diana...helping you vent!

My verification word is in squitch the habit!

Anvilcloud said...

Good for you ... about the great post, I mean. :)

Blessings each day said...

Hey, you don't have to say a thing to me! I learned my lesson many years ago when my sweet mom quit smoking and called to tell me so from Chicago. I made the COLLOSAL mistake of saying congratulations to her! She ranted and raved at me for ages about how she was feeling and what she was going I just shut up and stayed that way. Once the aliens (from Mars, the war planet) left my real mother's body, all was well again.

So yes, I do have a comment and it is...oh, okay...or is that too much?

blessings hugs and prayers,


Brenda said...

I hear you and I know where you are coming from. Whew!

Ginnie said... sound exactly like me when I came out of rehab and started in AA. I was furious and didn't care who knew it. Alcohol had been my best friend and I was livid that I had to give it up. I hope you "get to the other side" quicker than I did. I wasted a lot of time !!

Eileen said...

You sound EXACTLY like my sister-in-law Susie! She has Chrone's Disease, she has heart disease, she's had anuerisms(spelling? no spell check for this one) surgery, she has lung disease, and she REFUSES to quit smoking! Her youngest son on his way to Iraq begged her to quit smoking before his return, she felt guilty but she went right on smoking through all his letters home of "Do it for me, Mom! Think of me here, offer it up as a sacrifice for me."
When that didn't do it, I knew Susie was going to be a lifelong smoker!
She says she knows it's wrong, she knows it's killing her, but she enjoys it and needs it that much. And she says I'm the only one she likes because while I don't smoke at all anymore, I still don't lecture her. She says, "You just call me an idiot and a loser, and you tell me to enjoy what little is left of my life, and you leave it at that, and that's fine, you don't give me lectures. I know I'm an idiot and a loser, so I can't deny it."

So, Diana, you will not get any lectures from me if you start up again, and you will not get any cheers for quitting.
I'm sure I have many vices that people could lecture me about too!

Whatever you do, with or without your vices, enjoy your life!
Love you, E

Gail said...

Hi Diana-
I hear ya! I love to smoke, love it. I don't anymore, not for a long time - but I love to smoke.
So vent all you want. And I enjoy your honesty.

Love to you

Bernie said...

Hi Di, your even funny when your cranky......luv ya.....:-) Hugs

Dr.John said...

I like your attitude.
Don't let them tell you what is good for you.
I never smoked but ate far too much.
All those good people tried to get me to diet.
Boy I hated that.
I lived my own life.
Then came the attack, the comma, and the huge weight loss.
But I did it my way.
Good for us.

Anonymous said...
This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.
Anonymous said...

Yep...that deleted comment was 'cause I messed it up.....Just leave it to a donkey like me! I go again:

Hi Di...I'm back again...You know I can't stay away...thinking how you are feeling today and wishing I was there with a punching bag to hold for you....from a distance... :)) You are a sweet friend...and I do hope that as the day goes along...and along...and along that your smile will it always has...and that you will feel ours...the villagers who 'luv you berry much'... Just another li'l hi from me to you....'cause I want to let you know how much you mean to me...smoke or no smoke!

Maria said...

Hi Diana... I'm passing you a virtual cup of strong coffee and a piece of FarmGirlCyn's Amazing Chocolate Cake

God bless, Maria

Maria said...

ps. It's flourless with lots of dark, dark chocolate!

Teresa said...

Hi Diana,

This really made me laugh, although I know it is not a laughable matter. I could use a smoke about now myself...but I would not think of taking a puff. I quit smoking when we moved to California, but not because I wanted to, but because I was so sick and athsmatic (there was something in American cigarettes that I must have been allergic to) I had to sleep on my face with my butt in the air just to get air in my lungs. I also had pneumonia, and my lungs were full of water, but guess what, I was still smoking. Then, I heard God say to me "Terri, do you want to live like this...or will you stop smoking?" I yielded and told God if He would help me, I would quit. From that day forward, I did, and since felt no urge to smoke. That was 20 years ago, and I never could have done it without Him. Pray for help!

Linda Higgins said...

LOLOL I am LMAOFF righ now! I am not going to be so kind. MY BLOG HEADER IS BTDT stands for Been There Done That! ARE YOU CRAZY OR JUST NUTS! lol or BOTH! LOL after 20 years and my kids begging me and telling me how I stunk and my clothes stunk and our house stunk...well you get the picture! LOL but I can't believe I did it! yeah I got religion too! LOL it helped! LOL I am sorry but I can't stop laughing because I FEEL YOU PAIN...sorry...I love you and just go outside and scream and kick the dog or something or better yet write another post and tell us how you are doing....hey I am overweight and have high doc told me the other day I was a heart-attack waiting to happen...hey what do they say about a village raising a child....???what do you say villagers.......???? You do enough beating up yourself for us NOT to beat you up! LOVE YOU DI! even MORE NOW than EVER!!!! LOL

Terrie said...

I was just about to commment: LMAO but Linda already said that. I can't say I feel your pain or frustration but just know that I (should say WE) care and will be here anytime you want to vent or scream or swear!