Sunday, January 17, 2010

" A Very Strange Day "


I really couldn't possibly think of a better title to this post. I tried, but that's the best that I could do.

I have been pretty sick all week. He (the Doctor dude) says it's an upper respiratory/sinus thing. When he looked in my throat he actually said ''Eww!". Nice. Not that I wasn't already feeling like total crap. At least I was able to attain some antibiotics. I have been struggling to breath and every time that I cough my left lung hurts. As I type this all that I can hear really well is an incessant humming in my ears.

I know, we have all felt this horrible from time to time, when all that we can do is helplessly watch the clock tick away waiting for the moment when we start to feel like our self again.

So why am I blogging about not feeling well ? It is because of what I had to do today. Regardless of how horrible I was feeling , I HAD TO DO THIS!

Today was the last day that my son, daughter-in-law, brother and I were to meet at my mother's house to finish packing her belongings and getting the last of the furniture moved. It's been forty-four days since mom passed away.

There was no way that I was going to stay home when I knew there was more of mom's things that I needed , yes , needed around me. We had been there at least four times previously , sorting , picking and packing.

I had taken so many of mom's things. Things that I put out all around my house. Things that I knew she would have wanted me to have. Mom had a lot of things. Everyone took some of mom's things. It was all fairly diplomatic indeed.

The first two weeks after mom's death was overwhelming to say the least. But we made it through. All of the things that we had brought home , I had very slowly and gently unpacked , piece by piece , as if each and every piece were a precious jewel.

Seeing those precious jewels those first few weeks was also very , very hard for me. I found myself wondering if I had done the right thing by putting everything around the house so soon. My husband also questioned my judgment on this as he would catch me holding something or looking at something that would make me cry.

So I would look . And I would hold . And I would read . All of mom's precious jewels . All of the things that were meaningless to others . As the weeks went by these same things that made me cry in pain as my heart felt broken , now gave me much comfort .

So much so that I HAD TO DO THIS today. I didn't think that I would be able to go back there again. But I did . It took me three hours to get myself together breathing heavily from this infection. But I did it. And I am glad that I did. My mind is at peace now . And I found the one photo album that I couldn't find before. The one with my mom , dad and me at Disneyland when I was seven. Mom was going to give it to me but kept forgetting to look for it .

Don't worry now mom , I found it .

28 comments:

Eileen said...

I love this post, Di, and I could feel your urgency to do this, and I understand it too.
All through my Mom's illness and when she was on hospice, and after her death there were just things I felt I needed to do for her, it didn't matter if anyone understood or not, there were some things I had to do, just something between myself and my Mom.

I'm glad you were able to get to your Mom's, and I'm so glad you found the photo album.

I hope you feel better soon, this has been going on for a long time. Maybe the antibiotics will give you some relief.

Beautiful picture with the roses, such a pretty 'Farewell for now' to your Mom.
Love to you,
Eileen

Wanda said...

Your post touched me Di...I'm really sorry you are feeling so sick.
I feel you did what you needed to do, I did the same, eventually your mom's possessions will give you great joy with every glance. I have many of my mother's things throughout the house, it's a continuation of her in a way. There are still days where great saddness is expressed in tears, but I wouldn't have it any other way. I love remembering her each day, whether it's looking through an album, dusting a piece that she once dusted or just having something in view that was once hers.
Hurry and get well Di...remember to rest though!
Love...Wanda

Rebecca said...

Do I understand that you didn't go with the thought, "One last time to look for that photo album...."? But it WAS the reason (conscious or unconscious) you were there. HowEVER it happened, I rejoice with you. You all have moved quickly to distribute your mother's treasures. The emotion of all this takes its toll on the body. Perhaps now, the infection will clear, boosted by the medicine, etc. Please take special care of yourself. YOU know what works for you. And I pray for God's work in you and for you, too.

Hugs across the miles......

Gail said...

HI DIANA-

Oh my, I burst in to tears of joy and grief and love and sadness when you wrote "Don't worry Mom, I found it"!@! :-) :-( all at once.

I admire your determination DI- you are SO brave and strong. And I am happy you have your Mom's precious jewels around you - and oh yes, look and hold and remember - it is all glorious and a beautiful way to feel the loss and the comfort.

Love and prayers
Gail
peace.....

Teacher's Pet said...

Di...I read this post and I will read it again. I will come back and comment later. I am touched by your words....deeply.
I hope that you get to feeling better, my friend. I'm thinking of you. Love, Jackie

Dee said...

My poor friend. Saying good bye is never easy. I am sorry you are having to deal with this sadness.All we have left when a dear one enters heaven ahead of us is memories and the wonderful hope of being reunited with them one day. I pray you will be on the mend from your illness soon. Sending you a ((HUG))) Dee

Barb said...

Hi Di, Your post makes me feel sad and glad. I'm sorry you feel so crappy and that you had to go through your mom's things one last time. I'm glad, though, that you have some precious remembrances of her. The items I have that were my Mother's give me so much joy now. I see them every day and somehow I feel her presence in them. GET WELL!

linda said...

What an emotional, and physical, day you have already had today! I'm sure these trips to Mom's have been a burden on you mentally. Hopefully now you can move forward and enjoy the treasures you have from your Mom. I can just picture you standing and holding something of your mom's and thinking of her. There's a story to every little treasure I'm sure and I hope these memories bring you comfort in the days to come.

You sound like a strong woman...I know your mother would be proud!

Dr.John said...

I hope yo get well soon.
Grief is such an individual thing.
Some people want to get rid of anything that reminds them of the loved one that died while others want to keep as much as possible of the common past around them for comfort.Neither way is right or wrong. We do what we do . We do what gives us the most peace and comfort.
Glad you found the album.

Brenda said...

I am sorry that you are not well but I am glad that you pull yourself up enough to go one last time to go through your mother's belongings. Those were such precious times with my siblings-after my dad died last year. I love the few things that I decided to keep. They are part of my heritage and who I am today. Your mom's things may make you weep now but will bring such joy eventually. Blessings

Jenny said...

Oh Di, I'm sorry. Such ongoing sorrow and sadness. I'm glad you found the album you were looking for. Sending prayers and hugs your way, sweet lady.

Terrie said...

Sometimes its the things that mean nothing to others that are the most precious jewels to us. My mom's ironing board, her roast pot, I could go on. These are just a couple of my jewels I got from my mom. I think the scrapbook was found at the time it was needed to be found and not a day sooner. My heart is with you. I feel your loss, your sorrow. Tomorrow is another day and another reason to share the memories in that scrapbook with your family. Loves to you. Terrie

Stephanie said...

Hi Diana-
I am sooooo sorry to hear about your Mom. Somehow I don't think I realized your Mom passed away.
Ok, so I have to weigh in on the worry you are doing things too soon-after all I do have some expertise in this area as a therapist with a specialization in grief...NO.
After my Mom passed away, I would sit with the clothes she died in and cry. I would shift through her jewelry box and cry. My husband, not sure who this woman now was he called his wife, worried that wasn't ok. IT WAS. He and I grew through this process but doing what you are doing is normal and ok.
My heart is with you, Diana. I am only a click away...
xo

Blessings each day said...

By the time you read this, I hope you are feeling alot better...gosh, I leave the village for a little bit and everyone 'bites the dust' health wise...what's with that? Do we need to call the Surgeon General in or the general surgeon? Maybe some body parts need to be taken out...no one has figured out what the appendix is for so maybe it's just a trouble maker???


Di, as far as your mom's things go, you are right on track. Remember each person handles their grief their way and it is right for them. I only wish I had MANY more of my mom's things now...they are bittersweet to look at but more comforting that not, kind of like having a little piece of her still.

Will be praying for you to get well fast!

blessings and healing hugs,

marcy

Jerelene said...

Dearest Diana...I'm so sorry that you are so sick...that is awful! I pray that you are better very quickly :)
I can't imagine how hard it is for you...missing your Mom...I can see why you find such comfort in finding that photo album...
Big hugs from me to you :
Love you.....Jerelene

Donna's Book Nook said...

I was touched by this post; I felt so bad that you were so sick. I'm very glad you made it to go back and that you found the special album. After my dad died, we went through his things, and I have a few things that are treasures, because they bring good memories of him. You will be glad you made the effort.

Anvilcloud said...

Going through the effects is hard even when you're feeling strong, so good on ya.

Eileen said...

Hi, Di, just stopping by to see how you are doing.

I've been thinking about you, praying for you, and missing you lots. But I think you'll be 'gone' for a little while, and I think that's fine. You'll find your way back, never will things be normal again, but the abnormal will eventually feel normal.

I just came back from coffee with my friend Barbara who just buried her Mom on Tuesday, and she said she feels 'shell-shocked' and I know exactly how she feels. After coffee we went across the street to do a little shopping in the drug store and the song that was playing over the loudspeaker was Josh Groban "A Breath Away" and we both started crying right there in the middle of the greeting card aisle. But we also both said at the same time (I said, "Hi, Fran!" and she said, "Hi, Mom!") that it was a little shout-out from her Mom.

I told Barbara it was the first of many moments to come. I'm sure you are getting your own 'hello's' from Heaven too.

Love to you, Di,
Eileen

Jules said...

Wow, so touching. I'm so glad your mind is at peace now. That is so important. I think I would be the same way. Hang on to her memory...

Bill ~ {The Old Fart} said...

Sorry I haven't been by or a spell Di, just getting over something myself.

You hold on to those little jewels of your Mum's. There is nothing wrong with being Sentimental at this point.

I still got a couple of things that My Mum gave me when I was just a wee fellow, they mean more to me than anything else.

Oh, did you see the latest on Blanche, I don't believe you have been by.

You take care of you.

Tranquility Speaks said...

Oh Diana! I feel so bad to hear of your ill health. I so wish I could serve you warm tea/ coffee while you rest. You are a gem of a human being your Mom was so proud to have. She watches over you, and everytime you smile, she smiles with you. Get well soon Diana..

Rick said...

Touching post. I don't look forward to the day when I have to do that.

When the doctor says 'Eww!" you know you're sick.

Rick said...

Thank you for your kind comment on my blog. I did enjoy visiting Diane's blog. I like her doodles AND her photos of old churches—something else I always enjoy looking at.

Ginnie said...

It's been 6 days since you wrote this so I hope you are much better now. I'm glad you have things that were your Mother's. It is always a comfort.

Bernie said...

Oh sweetie I do hope you are feeling better by now. I know that would of been a hard day but one day you will find comfort in being surrounded by her things, loving what she loved. I loved the header of your post, so very pretty and thoughtful. There will never be a final good bye Diana, your mother will always be in your heart...take care my friend...Hugs

Bernie said...

Di, I just had to pop back over to say I love, love, love your new photo.....you look ever so much younger!......:-) Hugs

Garnetrose said...

I am sorry you are not feeling good. I hope you are soon feeling better.

I understand about you wanting things of your mom's around you. My mom has been gone for fifteen years and there are small things of hers that I have around me that I touch and look at and get a warm feeling over because they were hers.

God bless you and I hope you are soon out and about and feeling better.

Teresa said...

Oh Di,
I am so sorry you have to go through all of this, and not feeling well makes it ever so overwhelming. I am so glad you found the photo album, and I am sure that makes you feel so much better, if not physically, emotionally. I am so glad to hear your mind is at peace, and I am praying for your speedy recovery.

Your post today made me think of my own sweet mom, and my tears were flowing as I read your post today. It is amazing how, the little and personal things touch us the most. I love you Di.
(((HUGS))) T